Feeling unsettled in the safety.

“Beware of destination addiction; a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is the next place, the next job or with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else it will never be where you are.”

I came across this quote during one of my Pinterest scrolls and it led me to ask myself “am I bad at being satisfied?”

I looked around me, sitting in a home I love in the city I chose, and it dawned on me: I am safe. The realisation unsettled me. What do you do once you’ve reached a point you've longingly envisioned for so long?

Satisfaction, I learned, might require practice. After a period of life consisting of constant highs, those muscles of mine were out of exercise. Discomfort became my comfort simply because it is what I grew to know.

Contentedness can feel so strange. A foreign state for my body and mind at least. Almost like a gentle abandonment, a non-becoming. The absence of feeling.

When you've built your whole life on the glory of going, what does it mean to stop? Where do you go once you’ve reached your destination? Have I reached my destination? Am I capable of simply sitting down and settling in? Patiently watching my mind as it desperately grasps for something to excite me.

I've had to learn that settling in isn’t the same as settling. Surrendering my obsession with constant upward motion isn’t the same as giving up. I've had to learn to be okay with being human. To set free the idea that I need to be anything more. To stop relating to myself or my life as an endless pool of inadequacy always needing to be filled. I've had to lose the idea that the only life worth living is one that ends up on the evening news.

I've had to learn to shift my internal wants. Now, I want to get good at living. I want to taste my coffee in the morning. To be thoughtful and kind. To listen when someone is talking, to laugh when they say something funny. To love those around me. Truly. To be honest about how I’m feeling and to encourage others to share with me the same. To recognize growth. To celebrate it.

To take note of every time I allow myself to shrink. To accept it. To take accountability for it.

I want to be oh-so-gentle. To be a safe place for others to be seen. To be generous of spirit and open of heart and mind. To be someone who gives what I hope to get. To show up for what the day holds. The exciting, the awkward, the painful, and the dull. To show up and take notice of the beauty and the wonder. To enjoy being content.

And to endure feeling unsettled in the safety.